Of corporate debt collection and boardrooms that borrow Nairobi's street tactics

There is this belief that once a business occupies the top floor of a glass building, has a polished reception, a finance department and executives who speak fluent corporate jargon, then everything about it must be sophisticated, including paying bills.

Far from it, after years in the business-to-business debt recovery services sector, I can confidently say this is one of the greatest myths in corporate Kenya. The only real difference between a corporate debtor and the neighbour who borrowed Sh500 in the estate is the quality of the stationery used to make excuses. In the streets of Nairobi, someone tells you, "Niko kwa corner, nitumie till." In the boardroom, the same message becomes: "Finance is processing your payment." Different words. Same script.

Corporate collections often resemble a television series with too many seasons and no clear ending. Every week introduces a new dimension to the episode, maybe a new character and another twist to the plot. Episode one begins with confidence. "The invoice has been approved.” Episode two raises hope. "The payment is in the system." Episode three introduces the season of suspense. "The signatory is out of the office." Episode four is the beginning of real drama. "The CFO is travelling." By episode five, the bank has suddenly developed technical issues that seem to affect only one payment. Then comes my favourite line. "The cheque is ready."

Every experienced recovery professional knows that statement should never be celebrated too early. The next question is always: "Ready where?" It could be ready on someone's desk, or ready for one more signature. It is ready after tomorrow's board meeting, or ready only in theory?

Then the expedition to collect the cheque begins. You battle Nairobi traffic, arrive at the client's office, smile at the receptionist, sign the visitors' book and wait. Five minutes become thirty. Thirty become an hour. Eventually someone appears wearing the familiar corporate smile. "I'm terribly sorry. The cheque wasn't signed."

At that moment, your blood pressure rises, but so does your professionalism. Losing your temper has never settled an outstanding invoice. Payment plans deserve their own chapter.

Corporate debtors suddenly become financial strategists. They produce repayment schedules detailed enough to impress an investment committee. "We'll pay Sh3 million this Friday, another Sh2 million next month and clear the balance before quarter end." The spreadsheet looks impressive, and the commitment sounds genuine. Then Friday arrives. Nothing. By Monday, finance is reconciling. Tuesday, approvals are pending. Wednesday, the authorised signatory is attending a workshop. Thursday, payment is suddenly the "highest priority." Ironically, the following Thursday arrives carrying exactly the same priority.