Sleepovers were a cherished part of childhood for many parents who grew up in the 1980s and 1990s. Today, however, some parents are more cautious about allowing their children to spend a night away from home, concerned about bullying, inappropriate content, peer pressure and inadequate supervision.

However, child psychologist Dr Eliud Ngugi, founder of Newness Counselling Organisation, says the question should not simply be whether children should attend sleepovers, but whether they are ready and whether the environment is safe.

“Readiness should be guided by looking at aspects such as: ‘Can my child say no to friends without fearing rejection? Can they call me if something feels wrong, even if it embarrasses them?” he says.

Dr Ngugi says many children are ready for sleepovers between ages seven and 10, but age alone should not determine readiness. Emotional security, the child’s ability to communicate and their trust in adults are equally important.

For adolescents, he says, the bigger concern is decision-making under peer pressure. Risky behaviour can occur during unsupervised group gatherings, not necessarily because teenagers are badly behaved, but because they are more susceptible to peer influence.

Read: Many parents are saying no to sleepovers. Here’s why

Before allowing a child to spend the night away from home, parents should have an honest conversation about what to do if they encounter something uncomfortable or unsafe.

“Every child should understand that they never owe anyone obedience at the expense of their safety, or participate simply because everyone else is doing it. The child should understand they have permission to call home immediately without fear of punishment or disappointment,” says Dr Ngugi.

Children should also know that they can leave a situation that makes them uncomfortable and seek help from a trusted adult. They should never feel obliged to remain silent to avoid appearing rude.

“Children who are given permission to protect themselves before problems arise are far more likely to make wise decisions when adults are absent,” he says.

Read: Should you allow your teen to go for a sleepover?

Parents should also prepare children for risks that may come through phones and other devices. A sleepover can expose children to pornography, cyberbullying, explicit group chats, strangers, gambling and inappropriate videos within minutes if internet use is not supervised.

Know the host

Parents should find out who will be present, which adults will be supervising the children and what activities are planned for the sleepover.

Dr Ngugi also advises parents to consider the values and lifestyle of the host family. Children may encounter different rules, freedoms and expectations from those at home.

“The children may come back home and start demanding parents give them what they saw other children having in their houses. Or demanding to be allowed to do what their peers are allowed to do in the family they visited,” he says.

This does not mean families must have identical rules, but parents should know enough about the host environment to make an informed decision.

Some red flags parents should watch out for include minimal supervision, adults who are absent or distracted, older teenagers mixing freely with younger children, unrestricted internet access, the presence of alcohol or drugs, secrecy being encouraged, or children being discouraged from contacting their parents.

“Parents should also pay attention if a child suddenly refuses to return to a particular home or becomes unusually withdrawn or anxious after a sleepover,” cautions Dr Ngugi.

When you are the host

Hosting a sleepover comes with its own responsibilities. Parents should find out beforehand about each child's allergies, medical needs, dietary requirements and any other concerns that could affect their safety or comfort.

“Every child enters a home carrying experiences that others cannot see; some carry allergies, others carry anxiety, trauma, shame, medical conditions or simply homesickness. A wise host parent protects dignity above convenience by discussing individual needs privately with parents beforehand, respecting family values without judgement and never drawing unnecessary attention to a child's personal struggles,” Dr Ngugi says.

A child who wants to go home should always be allowed to leave.

Read: Memorable sleepovers: Rekindling the magic of time well spent, connection and fun

“If a child wants to go home, they should be allowed to leave immediately because forcing them to stay teaches them to ignore emotional warning signals in order to satisfy other people's expectations,” he says. “Children who feel emotionally safe develop confidence, while children who feel trapped learn silence.”

Host parents should avoid publicly discussing a child's personal issues, forcing shy children to participate in activities, comparing children, making jokes at their expense or posting their photographs without permission.

If children have a disagreement, adults should intervene calmly, establish boundaries and help them understand the impact of their behaviour rather than automatically taking sides.

One of the biggest mistakes parents can make, Dr Ngugi says, is teaching children that being polite is more important than being safe.

“Children who trust their instincts before they understand the danger often avoid situations that later prove harmful,” he says.

For that to happen, parents need to create an environment where children can speak openly without fear of punishment or judgement.

Adolescents, in particular, need conversations about peer pressure, drugs, pornography, online predators and the permanence of digital content before they encounter these risks.

Dr Ngugi warns parents against assuming that a well-disciplined child or a child with strong religious or family values is automatically protected from risky situations.

“I often hear parents say, ‘I have disciplined my child, or I have taught him or her morals, my child is a churchgoer, and God will watch over him or her; after all, he will be with her cousins, not strangers.’ These are dangerous statements that put the child at risk,” he says.

“The developing teenage brain naturally seeks acceptance, excitement and belonging.”

Ultimately, a sleepover cannot be made completely risk-free. Parents cannot supervise every moment their child spends in another household. The goal, therefore, is to combine appropriate supervision with preparation and open communication.

“Children borrow your wisdom until they develop their own. When in doubt, choose protection over permission, because prevention is always cheaper than healing. And if healing is needed, find a reliable professional to help your child process and heal through counselling,” concludes Dr Ngugi.

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