It is easy to assume that when two people marry, they will always accept each other as they are, regardless of what happens to their body size, skin complexion or choice of clothes. After all, marriage vows promise to stay together “for better, for worse”.

However, accepting the changes that come with years of marriage is not always that simple.

For Lilian Kamae, the person she trusted enough to share her life and intimacy with became the person whose comments about her body left her feeling humiliated.

After a long day at work, Lilian and her then-husband would sit down for dinner and catch up before taking their baths. It was a routine she looked forward to, the sort of quiet time many couples cherish.

When she was younger, Lilian describes herself as a petite woman who drew attention from men. While at university, she even considered vying for Miss University because of her petite figure. After getting married in 2010, keeping fit remained important to her. She went to the gym almost every day and loved swimming. Exercise was something she genuinely enjoyed and did not want to give up.

Then came her second child in 2017.

Life became busier. She was caring for two children, managing a demanding job and trying to settle back into work after maternity leave. She often worked late and, once home, still had the children to prepare for bedtime.

One evening, her husband asked her to take a bath with him.

“I said, sure, why not?” she recalls.

Once they were in the bathroom, he asked, “Can I ask you a question?”

“Yes, ask away,” she replied.

“Is there a way we can get you a proper workout routine?,” he asked.

Read: ‘You are thin’: The casual body shaming we fail to realise

Lilian was quiet. Her husband told her that it had been a long time since he had seen her exercising, yet she was eating too much.

He said she ate chapatis daily. She argued that he too ate meat almost every day. He told her he had earned it because he ran every week.

“I felt so humiliated. I became conscious of what I was eating. I stopped cooking chapatis often and would only make them when my husband asked for them,” she says.

She started fasting because she was afraid of gaining more weight. At the time, she weighed 91kg and was about 162cm tall.

Years later, they divorced, for other reasons, she says.

Chewing too loudly

Her experience raises an uncomfortable question for couples. A spouse says ‘you’re fat, breathing too heavily, chewing too loudly, or you have no fashion sense.’ Where does genuine concern end and body shaming or trying to upgrade a partner begin?

Mary Nyoike, a marriage counsellor explains sulking is an unhealthy habits of communication in relationships and withdrawal is the common solution to such.

Photo credit: Pool

Mary Nyoike, a marriage counsellor says, the issue is not simply whether a partner raises the subject, but how they do it.

“The way the information is communicated, tone, choice of words and nonverbal cues matter,” she says. “The context in which the information is being relayed and where the relationship is at is also key.”

Body shaming can become particularly damaging in unhealthy relationships, she says.

“An abusive relationship where there’s manipulation, control or power struggles and negative interactional cycles can rob the other spouse of their power, identity and sense of worth.”

When those negative patterns are repeated, they can develop into internalised shame, guilt, helplessness and feelings of worthlessness. The person may begin to feel insecure and unsafe in the relationship, affecting their confidence, affection and connection with their partner.

There is a difference, she adds, between expressing concern and making someone feel as though they are the problem. When raising a genuine concern, she recommends using “I” statements. A partner might say, “I am concerned about the recent changes in your weight or body.” That is very different from saying, “You have gained too much weight.”

The first expresses concern while the second one sounds accusatory.

If someone realises that their partner’s communication is hurting them, Nyoike says they should also be able to say so.

“Freedom of choice offers suggestions and accepts ‘no’ gracefully against demands for conformity and punishes a ‘no’ with withdrawal. Whereas the outcome of constructive engagement is autonomy, confidence and security, while control fosters shame, inadequacy and resentment.”

Kate Ogutu, a marriage and family therapist shares comments on the other partner's body can also affect the children.

Photo credit: Pool

According to Kate Ogutu, a marriage therapist, physical changes after pregnancy, illness and other major life events can affect relationships. She adds that the effects of repeated comments about a partner’s body can also reach the children.

Children may begin to associate love with physical appearance if they repeatedly watch one parent being criticised for how they look.

“They will learn that love will depend on how I appear,” she says. “They will associate physical appearance with self-worth.”

This can be particularly complicated when a child identifies with the parent whose body is being criticised.

“If it’s the mother who’s being criticised, it will be more of, ‘If my parent’s body is being treated as a problem and I look like my parent, does that mean that there is something wrong with me too?’”

For the partner on the receiving end, repeated comments can create another kind of discomfort. They may begin to feel as though they are constantly being watched and evaluated, even over something as ordinary as eating.

Such a partner may become defensive, withdrawn or anxious, Ogutu says. They may start worrying about what they eat because they fear it will become another reason for criticism.

“You won’t necessarily be comfortable in that house,” she says.

Over time, the home can stop feeling like a safe place, not only for the person being criticised but also for the children witnessing the interaction.

Conversations about appearance, grooming, fitness or lifestyle therefore need to be approached carefully.

Instead of telling a partner, “You don’t take care of yourself anymore,” Ogutu suggests making the conversation about something the couple can enjoy together.

“I really enjoy when we get dressed up and go out together. I’d love for us to do that more often,” she says.

Similarly, rather than telling a partner they no longer look the way they did when they got married, the conversation could be about taking care of their health together.

But where should couples draw the line between having a preference and trying to control a partner’s appearance?

Ogutu says the first step is to distinguish preference from control. A spouse may have an idea of what they find attractive, but that does not give them ownership over their partner’s body.

The second is to speak from vulnerability rather than criticism.

“Instead of telling your partner what is wrong with them, explain what you miss, what you value or what you’d like to experience together,” she says.

The third is to respect bodily autonomy. Marriage does not mean that a person loses the right to make decisions about their own body.

“You can have conversations about attraction and health, but the change should not be forced,” Ogutu says.

This becomes particularly important when a partner says they are only making comments because they want the other person to “look their best”.

As a therapist, Ogutu says she would ask, “What does your best mean to you?”

The answer may not always be about health. Sometimes it is personal preference. At other times, it may reflect insecurity about how a partner is perceived by friends, family or society.

Sometimes, of course, a partner may genuinely believe they have noticed something that is affecting the other person.

But good intentions do not necessarily mean the impact will be good.

“You may intend to help your partner, but if your partner consistently experiences your comments as rejection or humiliation, that impact needs to be taken seriously.”

For couples, one way of changing the tone is to genuinely make the conversation about “us”, rather than secretly making it about changing the other person.

A partner might say, “I’ve been feeling like I need to take better care of myself. I’d love us to start going for walks or plan healthier meals. Would you be interested?”

Ogutu notes this is very different from saying, “You need to start exercising.” The latter can leave the other person wondering where the criticism has come from and what they have done to make their partner believe they need to go to the gym.

“You shouldn’t be your partner’s fitness coach or food police or supervisor,” Ogutu says. “Praise what matters, show empathy during life transitions and keep intimacy alive.”

Read: ‘I post, they troll, I earn’: Milly Chebby turns body-shaming into Sh200,000 paydays

Nyoike and Ogutu say couples can also protect their relationships by focusing on friendship and emotional connection rather than putting immediate pressure on physical appearance.

It is important to acknowledge that bodies change after childbirth and during recovery from illness. Couples can turn towards each other rather than away, lowering pressure and responding to small bids for connection with empathy.

They should also create room to talk openly about fears of rejection and changes in body image without blame.

Criticism and contempt can quickly become destructive patterns, particularly when they centre on changes to the body. Couples are better served by expressing their needs gently and vulnerably.

And if one partner has already been made to feel undesirable, can confidence and intimacy be rebuilt?

“Yes, it is possible,” Nyoike says.

The first step is to acknowledge that the other partner is hurting. Couples should identify the negative patterns that have developed and examine how they communicate with each other. Where necessary, she recommends seeking professional therapy together rather than dealing with the problem individually.

Repeated criticism

Ann Tatu, clinical psychologist, says repeated criticism of a partner’s body can gradually become internalised as shame, inadequacy and rejection.

For people who have experienced criticism or rejection earlier in life, including during childhood, such comments can reactivate existing feelings of shame.

Ann Tatu is a clinical psychologist based in Nairobi.

Photo credit: Pool

“These criticisms may alter how one sees themselves and what they believe they must be to be loved,” Tatu says.

They can contribute to body dissatisfaction, shame, disordered eating, body dysmorphia and depressive symptoms. Within a marriage, someone may begin avoiding intimacy, constantly comparing themselves with others or withdrawing emotionally.

Being repeatedly told things such as “You have gained weight”, “You are not attractive” or “You need to eat more” can make someone increasingly self-conscious and anxious about being judged, Tatu says. It can reduce sexual confidence and contribute to emotional withdrawal.

“When dealing with your partner, it’s not just about appearance but whether the person feels loved and accepted.”

Read: Helping children build a positive body image

Emotional safety and acceptance are important to intimacy, and persistent criticism can undermine it

A person whose appearance is constantly criticised may eventually start believing that if they lose weight, change their appearance, or become more attractive, their partner will love them more, treat them better, and stop the criticism. Over time, external approval can become the main measure of self-worth.

“Am I attractive enough now?” becomes the question. “Do they approve?”

The person can become increasingly harsh towards themselves, Tatu says, losing their sense of identity and autonomy as they focus on doing what someone else wants.

Maintaining a healthy sense of self in such circumstances begins with separating personal worth from another person’s criticism.

Tatu recommends building an identity around different areas of life, including character, relationships, spirituality, achievements, values, competence and purpose, rather than appearance alone.

Cognitive behavioural approaches can also help people examine whether the beliefs they have developed about themselves are accurate and replace harmful beliefs with more realistic ones.

Healthy relationships outside the marriage can provide alternative sources of support, validation and perspective.

Most importantly, Tatu says, a person needs to understand and internalise that their value as a human being is much greater than their appearance.

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eintabo@ke.nationmedia.com