How do I know if a man has erectile dysfunction or has overperformance problem while still dating?

Marriage evolves through four stages, and so does your intimacy. Forming, storming, norming, and performing.

Forming is the honeymoon stage, full of fireworks and hunger. Storming is the friction stage when personality differences and weaknesses clash after a period of living together. If commitment to the union is strong, this stage becomes a sandpaper that smoothens the relationship rather than strangles it.

Many couples experience physical distance at this point, and men frequently complain of being deprived by their wives.

There are often many quarrels or disagreements during this stage, and a woman finds it difficult to engage in such a climate.

When a man learns a woman

Men are more capable of compartmentalisation than women. He thinks they should set aside the disagreements and do what they need to do in the bedroom.

But for her, she can’t separate the emotional climate from the physical connection.

Norming is the triumph after they’ve learned each other’s sweet spot or the balance of peace. They understand each other deeply, and they can co-regulate in many cases, that is, they can turn each other’s mood up and down like a radio knob. Also, the man gains skill to dribble both outside and inside the pitch. That’s when he learns sayings like romance starts in the kitchen and Rome wasn’t built in a day. He learns to touch her mind before he touches her body. He learns her climate so well that he becomes a weather forecaster in his own home. This stage is the entry of emotional maturity and the real bonding of soul to soul.

Read: This is why men with erectile dysfunction fear initiating sex

Couples who have reached this stage protect their marriage and the bedroom more because they know what it has cost them to get so far, and they would hate to lose all of it or start from scratch with someone else. Couples who are always conflicting are most likely stuck at the storming stage. They lack the commitment to sail through the storm to the other side.

Most affairs happen during the storming stage, and most repairs happen during the norming stage. The last stage is the performing stage, also called the legacy stage. This is where the couple enters autopilot. That is, they have systems and routines that work. They’re not relaxed or disengaged, but they’re operating on telepathy, intuition, and long-running understanding of what each of them likes.

During this harmony and high-altitude cruise, they raise children, build businesses, and forge empires. There’s little friction and heightened fruitfulness. And this spreads to the bedroom as well.

Now, most men know when they have a sexual problem. These dysfunctions vary. Some people have erectile dysfunction and cannot rise to the occasion, and this is the type a man can self-assess easily.

Other dysfunctions make the man unable to sustain intimacy to the end. And how long should a game be? Is there a standard 90 minutes with a break and a rotation in between? Well, we'll come back to that. Let's first discuss the problem of dysfunctions that affect longevity. This type the man may be genuinely unaware that he has, and so he may not speak of it.

Read: When a woman blames herself for erectile dysfunction…

Longevity comes from two things: Stamina and skill. Also, do not confuse vitality with fertility. Both of them can be worked on and improved in many cases, but the right thing is to address these issues with a counsellor during premarital counselling.

But even after proper counselling and settling down in marriage, these issues fluctuate. Stress, lifestyle conditions, physical fitness, a man's confidence, and the emotional connection between the couple all affect the outcome. Is there a standard length and expected conclusion which would warrant extra time or penalty shoot-outs in the end? Well, this game has no referee and no trophies. The satisfaction and happiness of the two people is the championship.

So, you both start as novice or newbies, then you learn together what works and what doesn't. In the beginning, you ride on impulse and passion. As the marriage moves from honeymoon to stable love, you evolve into pace and passion. The passion remains as long as you safeguard your love for each other.

What if the man doesn't open up, can you bed-test him yourself? The problem with road test is that the sheer intensity of initial chemistry and the dopamine of stolen bread can hide any dysfunction during those test runs. That's why you frequently hear the complaint that 'Our sex life was good during dating but it died upon marriage.'

Well, I guess stolen bread doesn't taste the same as the official meal. If you train your taste buds on secret snacks, you may find the real meal boring by sheer contrast.

Also, test driving is access by itself. It often brings guilt and shame afterwards, which is enough to destroy the connection even when the two people were perfectly suited for each other. As for an extreme difference in sex drives and mismatch in libido, you can only find out and work on it while married. Just be sure to marry a person who is emotionally mature and committed enough to discuss sensitive issues without running.

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Benjamin Zulu is a relationships and career coach