Hello,

My elder sister has had two relationships in her life and they both turned out to be scams. She discovered the father of her first child was married after three years of staying together. The second man was an old friend who was her emotional support after the first breakup. He was married and she didn't intend to get far with him. But one thing led to another and they started dating, although he promised that he loved her more than his wife, who he said was chaotic and negligent. He was planning on leaving her and the two would be happy together. After getting two other children with him, he went back to his wife. I pity my sister and wish to understand where she went wrong so I can avoid the same mistakes.

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It is wild to trust someone you took from someone else. You watched them lie, hide things and sneak behind the back of someone who trusted them, and you still embraced them? You saw their deception with your own eyes.

You saw how they gaslighted their partner when they questioned them, yet somehow you convinced yourself that they would be different with you. The fact that they're willing to do such things with others should tell you that they'll do the same to you. Character is consistent. If someone is cheating and lying over there, they will lie and cheat over here.

Read: How to avoid love scammers this year

If they prefer lies to avoid accountability and a double life to pursue selfish interests, they will do the same when you're the one on the other side. If you want loyalty and longevity, you must start with honesty and truth from the beginning. The one mistake good-hearted people make is to enter the black market of love hoping that their sincere intentions will make a difference. "He told me he was parting with his wife anyway. They were sleeping in separate rooms." Or, "She told me he was not her choice. She married him because of pregnancy. She didn't love him." Others will say the marriage was imposed on them by their parents. These are age-old lies, and you tend to fall for them because you wouldn't lie like that yourself. You mistake the emotional connection you have with the person to mean you also share values. You think they wouldn't lie to you like that, just because you wouldn't lie to them.

Read: I want marriage. What am I doing wrong?

Another group will tell you that they have the permission of their partner. They're in an open arrangement as they prepare to part ways. Or they're together just for the children. Their partner has other lovers, and they've set each other free. This type doesn't use the terms husband or wife. They call their spouses the mother or father to their children. The trick is that they're still living with this person, and they may even be expecting or having small children. They sell to you the kind of lies you seem prone to fall for. The last group is the one that totally hides the fact that they're married. They act single and make you think you're the only one.

Capitalising on distance from home or the obscurity created by the work environment, they manage to portray a different picture from who they truly are. They make sure you don't meet their friends and family lest you are told the truth. You only meet their partners in crime, those who are in on the plot. They create a fake identity of being single and open to mingle. They adapt themselves to your preferences to disarm you. They may be patient, but eventually they aim at one goal – access. They want sexual and financial access to your life before they formalise anything. This is a calculated scam, and it relies on your willingness to compromise. This type can be very patient, and they often target people who are genuinely looking to settle.

The moment they get a child with you, or they have gotten a portion of your wealth, they can let the mask slip. They now change the narrative to say they loved you too much and they feared telling you the truth lest you leave. Others ask you to wait for them so they can organise themselves and take you in as a second wife or quit their marriage to be with you. Others start disappearing and reappearing in your life, hoping you'll get roped in and start taking them in when they circle back. The best antidote to all these traps is dating with uncompromising sexual and financial boundaries.

Read: He married his new catch in six months after dating my sister for 10 years

When you date celibately and you don't invest your money in someone, your mind remains clear, and you pick up signals early. And even if you don't catch their lies immediately, when you do discover the truth, you can walk away unscathed. In short, not everyone dates for love. Many are using love as a smokescreen to mask their real aim. They're searching for survival and a soft life. They're looking for a shortcut to the good life, which they're not ready to build for themselves.

Their logic is that it is easier to lull a victim to slumber through love and then siphon benefits from them for a long time than it is to rob people at gunpoint or invade a bank. They use emotional persuasion because they know that when people fall in love, they become emotional and vulnerable.

Your best response is to never become a forever girlfriend or boyfriend, never to open the marriage package before marriage, and never believe people's stories about the state of their marriage before you verify for yourself.

Benjamin Zulu is a life coach and counselling psychologist

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