Hello

I have been dating this wonderful woman for three months now, but I'm disturbed by one thing: she's too silent. She's mentioned that she is a person of few words, but it bothers me because I do all the talking. On the phone, she's a bit chattier, but still I initiate most of our conversations.

She seems ready to settle, but I'm concerned about this particular issue. Am I being petty?

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No, brother. Your disturbance is understandable. There's a real issue worth paying attention to.

You should marry a woman who gets excited like a child when she's around you. I know some women are already rolling their eyes, but no, that's not an absurd requirement.

We're not suggesting that a good woman should always be chatty, but that her overall mood around you should be open and relaxed as opposed to uptight and distant.

Before we get into the deeper psychological reasons for your woman's behavior, let me congratulate you for being observant and reflective.

There are things you need to learn about marriage when choices are still open, your mind is clear, and emotions have not started running the show.

It's good that you're asking yourself the right questions before commitment. A lot of men start noticing these things one baby later, several years in, when already committed.

The biggest regret of everyone locked in bad marriages is that they wish they knew earlier what they know now. Here's a chance for you to avoid that regret.

We'll talk about a woman's temperament, and then we'll talk about a few more preliminary issues which are equally important but frequently overlooked.

Read: When you're in love with a possessive partner

The woman you marry will dictate the emotional climate in your home. If she's warm and welcoming, the home will feel warm and inviting. If she's cold and detached, that will be the climate at home.

But how do women turn out to be cold and distant? Many times it's unhealed wounds from their past. If she grew up in a strict home where survival depended on remaining silent and causing the least disturbance, she may have picked it up there.

Another possible cause is a plain lack of social skills. Shyness decently packaged.

Not everyone learns to engage and be open. People can grow without social skills and emotional intelligence, and so, to cope, they package their social awkwardness as being reserved.

The other cause, which is the most dangerous because people don't heal from it, is a cold disposition toward life.

You've heard people described in these terms. "That person has such a big heart. They have such a free spirit. They're so sweet to be around. You can't have enough of them."

But have you ever thought about the opposite? It exists. A person with a mean spirit. Someone who is cold and withdrawn. The first person gives you energy. The second one drains your energy.

A lot of men cannot differentiate between an introverted woman and a mean one. Some people are just cold. Period.

Many men see her serious expression and think she's deep, a hard nut to crack. So he undertakes to win her and feels like he found a rare gem.

Not all still waters run deep. Some are still because they're stagnant. And you know what stagnant waters do. They become toxic.

This type of woman will eventually tire you. That disturbance you're feeling now will grow into resentment.

Many men think a lady being detached or unconcerned is just her waiting to buy in.

Many people think silence is a virtue. But silence can be highly misleading, especially when someone is silent to avoid engagement and connection.

Always choose the woman who is warm and humble. The one with high emotional intelligence, the one who helps you build relationships rather than ruin them.

So for me, this woman is not the right fit. Save yourself and go search for another one.

Another silent vice that frequently accompanies this one is social isolation. When people are this folded in on themselves and self-absorbed, they don't form friendships and useful relationships.

While we don't expect everyone to have a crowd, we do expect everyone to have a reasonable circle of friends with whom they do life. If someone is essentially alone, that weakness will show up in marriage.

They won't invest in building relationships, and they'll see hosting guests as a burden rather than a blessing or a necessary social investment.

Lastly, check for silent rage. When people are ominously silent, it's rarely random. They weren't born like that.

No child is born closed off and withdrawn. All children are born curious and open. It's what we go through that changes us.

You're not judging people by their past. You're checking what their past has done to them and how they have dealt with it.

If someone grew up in a very controlled and restricted environment, for example, it's upon them to heal and rise above it.

And no, do not think you'll encourage them to snap out of it. When people have adopted their wounded state as their default mood, you may never succeed in showing them they have a problem. You're better off trying your luck elsewhere.

Good luck, brother!

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Benjamin Zulu is a Life Coach and Counselling Psychologist

benjaminzuluglobal@gmail.com