I was dating a guy for three years and he had promised me marriage, but he started disappearing for days, then coming back with excuses about being overwhelmed by work or family issues. I recently came across a WhatsApp group where he is planning a wedding with another woman and has already paid her bride price. I know I should move on, but it's so hard. I regret letting my guard down and allowing myself to be used like that. I feel so mad at him. I'm not the kind to go and blow up his wedding. I may be punishing an innocent woman. What can I do?

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There's a healthy kind of revenge you can carry out. A just retribution to get some kind of justice for yourself without playing dirty or dramatic. This action plan, however, is long-term. The first step is to accept the loss without forgetting the lesson. Release the pain but hold on to the principle. And what is the principle? When you trust people more than they deserve, they'll hurt you more than you deserve. Unwarranted trust always brings unwarranted pain.

You should always let people prove themselves before you trust them. You don't become a "forever girlfriend" or date for three years. You don't give your body, your money, or your reputation before a man has attained husband status. Before something is trusted, it must be tried and tested.

Always commit to the one who has proven himself by actions, not the one who has potential. Secondly, become everything you said you would, but without his assistance. You wanted to become a wife and a mother? You wanted to have a home and a happy family?

Go ahead and get those things, but with other people. This is not about a rebound or rushing into something else. This is about redefining your goals in the wake of this betrayal. You will pace yourself and heal first. But this is not the end.

If you stopped and gave up, you'd have given the traitor the last say on your goals. You're stronger than that. Sometimes healing is an act of self-defence. If you don't heal, you'll continue to hurt and prolong the person's influence in your life. But if you heal and rise above it, you'll end their hold on your life.

Listen: Character development 2.1: Healing from heartbreak

You'll open new chapters and get your life moving forward. Do not give them the satisfaction of watching you collapse and suffer for years. Many of them have been known to come back and try to rope you into their life as a side chick when they see that you're still stuck and attached to them. Refuse that insulting treatment before they even attempt it.

Third, get better physically. Get to your ideal weight. Step up your wardrobe. Get your skin glowing. Put on some heels and walk with swagger. You're not showing off. You're reclaiming your pride and redefining yourself. Instead of sinking into self-pity and brokenness, elevate your confidence and your presence. When they try checking on you only to find that you're flourishing more than before, it will sting. They thought they had the best version of you, but you should show them that they had the least attractive version. Now you're better and happier. And no, this is not performing for your ex. This is responding to deception and betrayal. Some wrongs need a response.

romance love scam heartbreak — Photo credit: Shutterstock

Fourth, date on the next level. You're wiser now. Go find sincere men. Marriage-minded men. Go find someone who sees you as the miracle they were waiting for. This time around, keep your dating pure and purposeful. Only remember to be proactive and intentional. Many women retreat into their careers after such betrayals and hibernate from dating until it's too late. Don't fall into that pattern. Do not postpone dating indefinitely because of the trauma of trusting again.

This time you're not starting from zero. You're starting from experience. You're starting with the determination to twist the arm of fate in your favour. In summary, this betrayal was devastating, but it came at the least harmful time. If it had come when you were already married, you'd be looking at worse things like divorce, children, property, and so forth. You don't underestimate the pain, but you're still grateful that you were shown the truth so early in life when you can still start afresh.

Read: How does a break affect a relationship?

How much time should you take to heal and start afresh? Enough time to unpack the experience with the help of a counselor, preferably, but not so much time that you miss out on your prime season. Enough time to go through the motions and emotional roller coaster without avoidance, but not so much time that you lose track of your bigger goals. Perfect healing is not practical. Sometimes even doctors will treat you halfway in the hospital, then ask you to go and complete the healing as you live your life.

You had a broken limb, for example, and they have put a cast on it and given the bones enough time to recover. You're discharged, but you can't walk normally, and there's still pain. What does the doctor tell you? "Limp the rest of the way." In fact, your body needs rehabilitation through exercise to heal better. That's the rule with psychological healing as well. You only recover enough to function. Give it six to 12 months of intense therapy and psychological recalibration, then try again. All the best!

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Benjamin Zulu is a life coach and counseling psychologist

benjaminzuluglobal@gmail.com