Question: I'm a 23-year-old finalist at a public university. I'm confused between these two pieces of advice on choosing a life partner. On one hand, it's said that if you date when you have money, you can't tell which woman is honest. On the other hand, if you try to date when you're broke, women won't want you.

What's the correct position?

Answer: First of all, it's not impossible to date correctly when you have money. Let’s say you were born into a well-to-do family or your career takes off early in life.

You can still find an honest woman, even with visible wealth or a bright future. Yes, you'll attract more dishonest people who just want a joyride into the good life without adding anything to your life.

But that's where skill and discernment come in. Every elevation in life brings more risks and responsibilities, and economic elevation is no different.

Let me, however, draw your attention to the real issue to consider at your age: how to balance dating and building your life in your youth.

The biggest mistake young men make in their 20s is chasing women before they've built themselves.

Building yourself doesn't mean becoming wealthy if you're starting with zero inheritance. It simply means laying the foundation for a prosperous career.

If your life were a ten-storey building, we're saying you should complete the ground floor and then build from there.

There are two kinds of broke men. One is a startup, and one is stuck-up.

The startup has no money because he's earning little and ploughing everything back into his future.

The stuck-up guy has no money and no momentum. Nothing is going on in his life except excuses and explanations. This is the type of man no sensible woman wants to marry.

How do men end up stuck even when they're university graduates?

You see, your 20s are for training. That's the time to try many paths to success. To make mistakes and suffer setbacks.

That's the time to take losses and scars without serious consequences. This is the window for experimenting.

Your degree or diploma is not an automatic career path. There are many people still unemployed 10 years after they got one.

The path to success is self-discovery. And this part, unfortunately, is not taught in the lecture hall.

And because so many ignore it, that's why we have so many people still lost after college. So many men remain stuck.

Remember that after age 30, that permission to be naive expires. From then on, you're an adult, and you should know what you're doing. Mistakes are punished, and losses are deducted from your pay.

The terms intern and trainee generally refer to people in their 20s. That's the window society allocates you to be a novice.

At home also, your parents expect you to move out. If you continue sitting in their house, they'll ask you questions. Or they'll start keeping goats and wheelbarrows in your room.

Or they'll start forgetting that you're around when they're going to their church functions far away, and you'll be waiting in the dark, hungry and angry.

And the only apology you'll hear? "We didn't know you were coming back. We thought you went hustling like your age mates."

Furthermore, the women you're pursuing when you're so young are generally not on your level.

When she gets ready to settle, she'll look for a man older and more established than you. This is because women generally date upward, not downward and not across.

Most women need a man who is ahead of them enough to lead the home and also provide, especially when she's down with childbearing.

These girls may entertain you during the boyfriend-girlfriend games of your early 20s. But when she gets serious about settling down, her considerations change from just, "He's a cool guy," to, "Is he financially stable? What's his dream? Does he challenge me? Is he mature enough to be the father in our home?"

Few of her college mates will pass these criteria. Woe to you if you spend your prime years obsessed with her. In short, the game of dating is rigged in favour of the men who put life ahead of love.

When you have settled the question of where you're going with your life and how you'll pay your bills and those of your family, you'll have women to choose from.

But when you haven't answered those questions, even the ones you want will run away from you.

You've heard that women have many preferences in the men they choose. Many say he should be taller than them, intelligent, funny, a good father, emotionally intelligent, and so forth.

But did you know many of them can overlook many other things except financial capability?

This is because money affects everything else in life, from the standard of healthcare you can provide for your family to the kind of clothes they wear and the food they eat.

A man's financial capacity influences the family's lifestyle and the opportunities available to them. It also affects the quality of education and the future his children will be prepared for.

Money answers many practical questions. Women are not always materialistic when they consider it first. Many are simply being realistic.

Benjamin Zulu is a relationships and career coach.

Email: benjaminzuluglobal@gmail.com